"Fuck!" Say I

Nduk, Mari kuceritakan kembali bagaimana ngelangutnya perjalanan lewat tengah malam di sepanjang trotoar pada selarik sudut Jogja hanya untuk mencari lelah. Waktu itu terlalu banyak monster di dalam kepala, berteriak bersahut-sahutan tak ada yang ingin mengalah. Perlu waktu dua jam menyeret-nyeret kaki pada tubuh yang terjaga lebih dari tiga hari. Terlalu banyak yang harus dilakukan dalam setiap langkah. Meletakkan mata di belakang kepala hanya karena kau perempuan. Mendiamkan resah yang lasak di sudut benak. Menghitung butiran aspal dan kecoak yang melintas dan terinjak. Bergegas karena di kelokan depan seringkali satpam baik yang sedang patroli (dan sangat ingin kau hindari) akan menegurmu dan mengajakmu ngobrol di posnya lalu akan membuatkanmu kopi dan kau seperti harus menjawab semua pertanyaan-pertanyaan polosnya tentang mengapa ada perempuan yang bisa tidak tidur berhari-hari kemudian tujuanmu menyeret-nyeret langkah buyar sudah karena kopi, rokok, dan obrolan hangat tak...

Hello again, you. The one that creeps silently from the deepest pitch-black pit of this decaying world. I thought I'll never see you again. But I was wrong. Like many things that people called coincidence, you came unnoticed. The slightest brush of the tip of your fingers to my temple has turned the red into black, the light blue to dark, and wherever I laid my eyes on to, everything seemed gray and bleak and doomed. You've been my very patient friend. Unwanted, yet patient. You wait from a safe distance, observing, obediently making mental notes, scheming the what ifs and should'ves, and when the time comes, putting them all together--with the slightest brush of the tip of your fingers to my temple--in a mixture of hurt and longing, materilalizing into one single pain that keeps pulsating and growing and spreading, speeding through all of my veins, faster than the bullet, ricocheting into my brain.    Hello again, you. The one whose kiss sucks the living shi...

... dan Tuhan, dengan bahasa apapun namaNya kau sebut, akan selalu Maha Mendengar... It is amidst a neckbreaking deadline that I'm writing this, putting the right pieces of puzzles in my mind that have your scent and your warmth, of how close your heartbeat to my pressed ears on your bare chest, of how smooth my fingers ran on your slightly damp skin, the slow breathing when we drifted to sleep, and how perfect it felt to have my arm around you in the middle of rumpled bed sheets. And somehow I remember God, the so-called omnipotent being that makes shit happened. I want to believe again, desperately trying to find the object to give my gratitude to, to have a reason to feel blessed. To have something to hold on to that makes me feel special among 7.6 billion of people in the world (as per May 2018).  But that would be lying. I want to repeatedly whisper HALLELUJAH when our eyes meet, when our mouths are searching for each other, when our skin are craving for the touch....

Sehari lagi, Pit. Tahan sehari lagi. I was in that place again, where everything was bleak and dark and the ground under my feet was shifting and all I could feel was confusion and anger and sadness and they're all squeezing me tight to the point that I threw up. No, it wasn't depression. It's just a path that leads to it. Where I am today is the place that I've chosen with my common sense, voluntarily, under no influence in whatsoever. It's a much too quiet place where at nights you could only hear crickets or the loud, bugle sound of cranes flying by. But there are things bothering me, things beyond my control, things from outside my world where I'm sitting and typing this, things that affect my brain, things that get me finished a litre of maturely fermented tuak under ten minutes, things that make me sob quietly, uncontrollably, while listening to that song on loop for hours, alone, the things that not even a "sabar ya..." could help...

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. Jim Morrison. Amidst the excruciating menstrual cramp and hormonal storm that I went through days before, I stumbled upon this cute little girl with one helluva powerhouse pipe. Her rendition of Idina Menzel's Defying Gravity had made my hair standing on ends. And made me looking back of what I've been through. Yeah, it's all about me. Gotta be about me, because this is my page. Right? Right. But seriously, have you ever felt like what life had been thrown at you had made you go against all odds, doing the impossible, and pushed you way further than your limit? Because I have. And I'm living it. I could've never thought that I'd be where I am right now. I was a clumsy klutz. Even when I was little, I was not so little. I was the outcast, the unwanted, the comparable, the disposable. I didn't have anyone that fits the d...

Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing. Edmund Burke Eh, coba ya sekali ini nurut sama saya. Itu paket data bukan mantan terindah, nggak usah disayang-sayang. Tunyuk tombol "play" di YouTube tautan saya di atas dan baca post ini sambil dengerin. Tapi videonya juga bagus kok kalau mau lihat, nggak rugi. Nggak kayak yang itu, yang kamu udah usahain, kamu udah perhatiin, kamu jagain, terus ternyata dia pergi sama yang lain dan kamu ditinggal pas lagi sayang-sayangnya. Janji. Saya nggak sejahat itu. Makanya. Sekaliii aja, nurut sama saya. Ya. Mau ya. Please?    Jadi... Ternyata berkomitmen itu sulit, meskipun komitmen ecek-ecek nggak kredibel semisal OPOD--one post one day--berbahasa Inggris yang sedang saya terapkan pada diri sendiri saat saya menginjakkan kaki di Pulau Sumatera. Sebulan lalu. Meninggalkan separuh nyawa yang melekat pada lima anak-anak kaki empat semua. Mereka dirawat dengan baik oleh peng...

Character created by Marija Tiurina Since my first inception, seven has been my lucky number. I guess. Like, when I was hanging on a thread because of my mother’s immature labor when her water broke with 28-week me inside, in which I had to spend 10 days being radiated in an incubator like a chick. Being fed mashed banana and water by my Granny when I wasn’t even 24-hour. And still having a blast, 30-something years later. And then everything just rolled from there.  As I grow up, my life has been nothing but the episodes of full-blown cardinal sins that start from my ears, to my heart, over my mind, and run their courses through my veins. And as I stranded here with nothing to do but making syllabus an d preparing my next teaching material, I’ll be a good girl and uncover them one by one.  So, forgive me Father for I have sinned…  Character created by  Marija Tiurina The place was Mandala Krida, Jogja (again), where I watched Helloween conc...

Taken from SUN Project . Check it out, they're so cool! And don't forget to support them on Patreon   You call it Absolution while I say it a consequence. Same difference. But let’s agree that it refers to one thing: what goes around comes around. That simple. My Absolution came when I signed the contract yesterday. For a month, I’ll be tied and bound here on the edge of (the so-called) urban civilization, where Alfamart and Indomaret are three-hour drive through sharp turns and rough lanes with the ocean as the roadside attraction. My feet will be planted deep on the place where I could see Bali cow stampeding on my backyard and a bunch of noisy swallows flying high and low on my front yard. Not to mention the cubic, windowless, Soviet-esque buildings that pop out like sore, pixelated thumbs. But those twinkle, twinkle little stars soaring high at night are the done deal. So, how could it be an Absolution when I don't have to suffer, my room is neat and cle...

People come and go, places change, world goes by. And somehow, you’re feeling like you’re standing still. When it feels like you have to make some noise, your call. I’ve known some beautiful souls who could make a big decision in a flick of fingers. They’re old souls whose eyes and beings have tasted pain and losing, take a lesson, and know they’ve got to carry on. Me? My immature, dull, and stubborn core couldn’t take it. I need to feel the pain. I need to experience lost. I need to devour the moment. And it’s always been in Jogja, a place I called Purgatory where everything ends and something begins. Why did you come to Jogja? Vacation? Seeing the modernity overpowering the ancient wisdom localized in the centerfold of the city? Watching the same old story of nobility grinding down its subjects to just surrender their ancestors’ land for the so-called progress or bullshit development? Or tasting the Satan’s liquid that you could bumped into one in every five meters i...

Words adjusted from Serenity Prayer , the strongest mantra I've ever encountered    So, how do you see yourself when you've been forcefully yet consciously uprooted from the "home" you've known for the past five years? It's strange. But you need it the most--eventually--to save yourself from the stupid, monotonous insanity. I've been--just like any other person living and breathing--on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, while staying in another city, in another island. It's an overwhelming package full of new people from the uncharted waters that I've never known existed. Many times that all I could do was just inhale deeply. But it's all fun and games. Somehow.   I pulled myself together and picking up the pieces that I have left in my attempt to emerge from the blinding darkness while trying to taking in so much more. It's been so cold and dark down there, but my furry angels--the ones I thought I've rescued but in th...

Salah satu ogoh-ogoh yang dilombakan sedang di- display di Pantai Mertasari, Sanur.  Biasanya saat malam Pengrupukan sebelum Nyepi, ogoh-ogoh diarak keliling banjar,  berputar tiga kali di perempatan, lalu dibakar.  Jika kau biarkan suatu kekuasaan atau sistem mulai mengontrol caramu dekat dengan Tuhanmu, di situlah awal mula kau mulai menjauh dariNya. - Pungkas, a badass friend of mine Tahun ini Nyepi kelima di Bali dan saya selalu suka suasananya. Meskipun gelap-gelapan dan harus nyetok makanan untuk 24 jam, saya merasa sedang merayakan  me time bersama seluruh saudara sepulau. Saya juga nggak masalah bergelap-gelap. Sekalian ngirit listrik. Lagipula, sama dengan semua teman pendatang yang pernah tinggal di sini, kami sangat menunggu-nunggu the greatest gig in the sky : jika langit cerah akan ada banyak bintang bertaburan, seperti beras tumpah di latar hitam. Setiap tahun umat Hindu Bali melaksanakan Nyepi sebagai hari suci yang juga tahun baru ...

Ini tempat saya nongkrong di malam hari. Selain kopinya enak dan murah, bukanya juga agak nggak manusiawi. Pukul 7 malam hingga 2 atau 3 pagi. Sungguh sangat akomodatif untuk saya yang susah tidur. Di sini saya bertemu banyak orang dan belajar banyak pada mereka. Misalnya, si pemilik yang saya kenal dengan nama Pak Gareng, orang Jawa yang memanggul falsafah Jawa tinggi sekali dan sangat sumeléh pada tempatnya. Atau Mas Dytok, pekerja film perfeksionis yang santai membantai hasil iseng-iseng saya bikin skrip. Dan... Bli Ganteng, bapak beranak satu yang sebenarnya biasa saja sampai dia datang habis kondangan dengan masih mengenakan baju adat. Duh, ngeliatnya aja rasanya indung telur saya hampir meledak.  Tanpa mereka sadar, mereka adalah kawan saya menghadapi diri sendiri. Saat lelah menyapa setelah babak bundas bertempur dengan monster-monster di kepala, mereka rehat saya. Terima kasih untuk semua pelajarannya. Semoga kalian selalu dalam kasih semesta.

"Why do you keep a black cat? It has eyes of a devil!" "Black cat is evil manifestation. Aren't you scared?" "Your black cat is a girl?! Evil, man... That's a pure evil, she is!" "You know what? All witches have a black cat. It's bound to do bad, devilish work." I don't blame those people saying me those bullshit. They are brainswashed too much by cheap horror stories and B-rated flicks. I laughed it off and waved them out like keeping away annoying flies. What they don't know is that I AM a witch. I make things happen after I had my own black cat. And she's my second in command, my comrade in arms. She's the closest after my own heart. Tomorrow they can't say anything anymore. They will wake up with lips stitched nice and tight. I just sent my black cat to do it tonight. Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt. Fiat voluntas tua. Men will believe what they want to be true. Let there be li...

Menurut Wiktionary berbahasa Jawa, mat-matan adalah sesederhana enak-enakan. Padahal artinya lebih luas dari itu. Beberapa tahun saya di Jogja, mat-matan bertebaran di mana-mana. Menyergah bapak tukang becak di Malioboro setelah mengantar turis berisik dari Jakarta belanja bakpia, mengendap di angkringan sudut jalan Sangaji pada seorang mahasiswa di hadapan teh jahe dan dua bungkus nasi kucing, atau merengkuh tukang parkir di pinggir Jalan Solo yang nikmat menghisap kretek sambil duduk mencangkung. Mat-matan menurut pengertian saya adalah kondisi tercukupkan, bahagia, in the moment, tanpa mikir cicilan KPR atau tunggakan kamar kost, menafikan tanggal gajian yang hilalnya masih jauh sementara duit tinggal seciprit, dinikmati pelan-pelan tanpa bisa diletakkan dalam kerangka materi maupun durasi. Tapi jika Eyang Marx kenal mat-matan mungkin kita nggak bakal kenal Das Kapital, karena perubahan digerakkan oleh mereka yang pemenuhan kebutuhannya nggak ada di Diagram Maslow, sementara mat...

Foto dari sampul album Bleeding Through the Truth I put you high on a pedestal You trampled it down, thoughtless, unregalled I gave you all, a heart drenched in my blood You took them all with nothing but the word slut I trusted you the knife, I gave you my back Yet you put my head as a trophy in your rack So here are my curse that I cried to the stormy night in thunderous wrath: You will kiss the sole of my feet and bathe them in your tears You will live a sorrowful life, insatiable thirst, incomplete orgasm, pitiful fuck, and hollowed soul Your death will be awfully painful and your life would be more Until then your eyes will open and those wrongs will haunt And I'll be long gone watching from afar Knowing you'll find no solace Once and for all

This battered, unassuming coffee machine is alive when no one's around. Its eyes will blink once and twice, then it will look in the perimeter. If it's sure it's alone, arms and legs are sprouting from its sides, clinking its perceived heels, and dancing into the night. There, right in the corner, it rushes to a toaster with stiff joint and low grumble, holding a worn out spatula as a walking staff. It owned by an old spinster down the road, fifth house on the right, the one with askew window and almost unhinged door but surprisingly clean and neat. She lives alone after her marriage was ruined by the absence of a groom. The toaster was one of the presents, regifted from the guest's own wedding ceremony, wrapped in plain brown paper and tied with a bow. Oh, and there comes the fan from another house, trying to tiptoed silently from the window sill. And food processor from another, hair dryer with its cable intertwined with a hair straightener's (they live sid...

Udara mengental bersama hasrat terlarut dalam buliran peluh, menggesek kulit yang berkali lipat lebih peka, menerjemahkan sentuhan paling lembut menjadi geletar yang bergerak sepersekian detik dari ujung rambut ke ujung kaki untuk membuncah di antara pertemuan paha dengan paha. Lelaki dan Perempuan menarikan tarian purba berlatarkan seprai masai, remang lampu, derit ranjang, dan erangan dan desisan dan makian dan nama Tuhan. Menghentak, melambat, berderap, melenguh, menggeram, lalu pungkas dengan helaan nafas panjang. Pentas selesai. Mereka berbaring bersisian beberapa saat sambil menatap langit-langit dan mengatur sengal-sengal yang tersisa sampai ruangan kembali senyap. Sesungging senyum melebar dari wajah Lelaki saat pangkal pahanya kembali hangat oleh sentuhan. "Mau lagi?" "Nggak. Aku kangen." "Ya ampun. Baru juga selesai, mosok udah kangen," ujar Lelaki sambil merengkuh Perempuan dan membimbingnya berbaring di dada. Sambil meremas lembut daging...

Apapun yang membuatmu merasa tergantung, tidak bisa lepas, merasa hampa saat itu nggak ada, adalah candu. Termasuk rokok, kopi, ganja, obat, alkohol, dan pacar/selingkuhan/cemceman/fuckbuddy. Candu bagi saya adalah kopi dan rokok. Meskipun nggak segitunya banget, tapi saya tetap merasa mati gaya, buntu, dan nggak bisa mikir saat dua benda itu nggak ada, terutama saat sedang bekerja. Namun ada masa-masa saya tak berdaya dan mesti pasrah tanpa bisa kabur bersama candu-candu saya. Ketika saya nyeri haid (yang artinya nggak boleh ngopi kecuali saya rela didera sakit perut tak berkesudahan) dan radang tenggorokan (karena asap rokok akan memicu produksi lendir lebih banyak dan membuat sinusitis saya berontak). Pencapaian saya melawan kecanduan adalah saat masih di Jakarta, sesaat setelah saya tahu bahwa sakit kepala berdentam-dentam seperti ada yang memalu otak, dan bau nanah memuakkan yang terhirup setiap saya bernapas hingga tak mampu membedakan bau lain, adalah positif sinusi...

2016 adalah kali pertama saya mengenalnya tanpa sengaja. Waktu itu saya agak khawatir dengan kebiasaan merokok yang tambah parah, lalu mencoba mengalihkannya ke hal lain. Secara teknis ini sama ketika kamu masih dibayangi kenangan mantan dan kamu perlu cari gebetan sebagai pengalihan. Dan seperti apa yang Eyang Coelho bilang di The Alchemist, ketika kamu amat sangat menginginkannya maka "universe conspires". Begitupun keinginan saya. Sayangnya, saya nggak sedang membicarakan mantan. Jadinya nggak begitu drama. Pengalihan dari rokok ini adalah amigurumi, teknik merajut yang digunakan untuk membuat boneka. Gampang? Ya nggak lah! Saya menghabiskan lebih banyak rokok saat belajar 😂 Untuk mahir membuat dasar saja saya perlu waktu dua minggu di sela profesi saya yang apapun kerjaannya, ujung-ujungnya jadi deadliner. Itu baru dasaaar banget lho. Belum cemacemnya yang membentuk badan, tangan, kaki. Tapi teknologi saat ini memungkinkan siapapun belajar apapun, asalkan ada gawai d...

Ginger cat gondrong ini namanya Mika, dan si putih ginjut di sebelahnya adalah Zorro. Mereka dua dari empat kucing di Rumah Sanur, anak-anak Papa Dethu yang diangkut dari Jakarta ke Bali. Mereka kruntelan di kursi sebelah meja, nemenin saya yang sedang berjuang demi menyelamatkan mesin pencari nafkah satu-satunya. Mereka yang meredam amarah dan keputusasaan saya mendapati 4GB dan hampir 5 jam terbuang sia-sia karena download berhenti di tengah jalan. Tinggal benamkan muka dan kepala saya yang panas ke perut lembut mereka and the world is a better place once again! Dulu saya selalu mengidentifikasi diri sebagai dog lover. Setahun lalu semua berubah, gara-gara seonggok unyu kitten tak berdaya yang tidur mlungker di kolong kursi Helmen Coffee. Dia kecil sekali. Beberapa jam sebelumnya dia diselamatkan seorang teman dari tengah jalanan Denpasar yang aduhai ramai, berhadapan dengan motor dan mobil dan truk yang baginya mungkin seperti monster raksasa yang siap meng...