... dan Tuhan, dengan bahasa apapun namaNya kau sebut, akan selalu Maha Mendengar...
It is amidst a neckbreaking deadline that I'm writing this, putting the right pieces of puzzles in my mind that have your scent and your warmth, of how close your heartbeat to my pressed ears on your bare chest, of how smooth my fingers ran on your slightly damp skin, the slow breathing when we drifted to sleep, and how perfect it felt to have my arm around you in the middle of rumpled bed sheets.

And somehow I remember God, the so-called omnipotent being that makes shit happened. I want to believe again, desperately trying to find the object to give my gratitude to, to have a reason to feel blessed. To have something to hold on to that makes me feel special among 7.6 billion of people in the world (as per May 2018). 

But that would be lying.

I want to repeatedly whisper HALLELUJAH when our eyes meet, when our mouths are searching for each other, when our skin are craving for the touch. I want to …

Day 6 - F I G H T

Sehari lagi, Pit. Tahan sehari lagi.
I was in that place again, where everything was bleak and dark and the ground under my feet was shifting and all I could feel was confusion and anger and sadness and they're all squeezing me tight to the point that I threw up. No, it wasn't depression. It's just a path that leads to it.

Where I am today is the place that I've chosen with my common sense, voluntarily, under no influence in whatsoever. It's a much too quiet place where at nights you could only hear crickets or the loud, bugle sound of cranes flying by.
But there are things bothering me, things beyond my control, things from outside my world where I'm sitting and typing this, things that affect my brain, things that get me finished a litre of maturely fermented tuak under ten minutes, things that make me sob quietly, uncontrollably, while listening to that song on loop for hours, alone, the things that not even a "sabar ya..." could help.
No, I'…

Day 5 - Defying Gravity

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Jim Morrison.
Amidst the excruciating menstrual cramp and hormonal storm that I went through days before, I stumbled upon this cute little girl with one helluva powerhouse pipe. Her rendition of Idina Menzel's Defying Gravity had made my hair standing on ends. And made me looking back of what I've been through.

Yeah, it's all about me. Gotta be about me, because this is my page. Right? Right.

But seriously, have you ever felt like what life had been thrown at you had made you go against all odds, doing the impossible, and pushed you way further than your limit? Because I have. And I'm living it.

I could've never thought that I'd be where I am right now. I was a clumsy klutz. Even when I was little, I was not so little. I was the outcast, the unwanted, the comparable, the disposable. I didn't have anyone that fits the description o…

Day 4 - H O P E

Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.
Edmund Burke Eh, coba ya sekali ini nurut sama saya. Itu paket data bukan mantan terindah, nggak usah disayang-sayang. Tunyuk tombol "play" di YouTube tautan saya di atas dan baca post ini sambil dengerin. Tapi videonya juga bagus kok kalau mau lihat, nggak rugi. Nggak kayak yang itu, yang kamu udah usahain, kamu udah perhatiin, kamu jagain, terus ternyata dia pergi sama yang lain dan kamu ditinggal pas lagi sayang-sayangnya. Janji. Saya nggak sejahat itu. Makanya. Sekaliii aja, nurut sama saya. Ya. Mau ya. Please?   

Ternyata berkomitmen itu sulit, meskipun komitmen ecek-ecek nggak kredibel semisal OPOD--one post one day--berbahasa Inggris yang sedang saya terapkan pada diri sendiri saat saya menginjakkan kaki di Pulau Sumatera. Sebulan lalu. Meninggalkan separuh nyawa yang melekat pada lima anak-anak kaki empat semua. Mereka dirawat dengan baik oleh pengasuh yang peny…

Day 3 - Seven Deadly Sins

Since my first inception, seven has been my lucky number. I guess. Like, when I was hanging on a thread because of my mother’s immature labor when her water broke with 28-week me inside, in which I had to spend 10 days being radiated in an incubator like a chick. Being fed mashed banana and water by my Granny when I wasn’t even 24-hour. And still having a blast, 30-something years later. And then everything just rolled from there. 
As I grow up, my life has been nothing but the episodes of full-blown cardinal sins that start from my ears, to my heart, over my mind, and run their courses through my veins. And as I stranded here with nothing to do but making syllabus and preparing my next teaching material, I’ll be a good girl and uncover them one by one. 

So, forgive me Father for I have sinned… 

The place was Mandala Krida, Jogja (again), where I watched Helloween concert with my then boyfriend. It was the first concert that we went to, and we can hardly wait. Being an average guitar…

Day 2 - A B S O L U T I O N

You call it Absolution while I say it a consequence. Same difference. But let’s agree that it refers to one thing: what goes around comes around. That simple.

My Absolution came when I signed the contract yesterday. For a month, I’ll be tied and bound here on the edge of (the so-called) urban civilization, where Alfamart and Indomaret are three-hour drive through sharp turns and rough lanes with the ocean as the roadside attraction. My feet will be planted deep on the place where I could see Bali cow stampeding on my backyard and a bunch of noisy swallows flying high and low on my front yard. Not to mention the cubic, windowless, Soviet-esque buildings that pop out like sore, pixelated thumbs. But those twinkle, twinkle little stars soaring high at night are the done deal.

So, how could it be an Absolution when I don't have to suffer, my room is neat and clean, my basic needs met, got fed three times a day—right on time—and respect is easily earned without proving anything by…

Day 1 - P U R G A T O R Y

People come and go, places change, world goes by. And somehow, you’re feeling like you’re standing still. When it feels like you have to make some noise, your call.

I’ve known some beautiful souls who could make a big decision in a flick of fingers. They’re old souls whose eyes and beings have tasted pain and losing, take a lesson, and know they’ve got to carry on. Me? My immature, dull, and stubborn core couldn’t take it. I need to feel the pain. I need to experience lost. I need to devour the moment.
And it’s always been in Jogja, a place I called Purgatory where everything ends and something begins.
Why did you come to Jogja? Vacation? Seeing the modernity overpowering the ancient wisdom localized in the centerfold of the city? Watching the same old story of nobility grinding down its subjects to just surrender their ancestors’ land for the so-called progress or bullshit development? Or tasting the Satan’s liquid that you could bumped into one in every five meters in Jalan Kaliura…

... And I'm Moving On...

So, how do you see yourself when you've been forcefully yet consciously uprooted from the "home" you've known for the past five years? It's strange. But you need it the most--eventually--to save yourself from the stupid, monotonous insanity.
I've been--just like any other person living and breathing--on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, while staying in another city, in another island. It's an overwhelming package full of new people from the uncharted waters that I've never known existed. Many times that all I could do was just inhale deeply. But it's all fun and games. Somehow.  
I pulled myself together and picking up the pieces that I have left in my attempt to emerge from the blinding darkness while trying to taking in so much more. It's been so cold and dark down there, but my furry angels--the ones I thought I've rescued but in the end rescuing me instead--luckily, had given me courage and will to live another day.
I hold the grudge…

Quo Vadis, Bali?

Jika kau biarkan suatu kekuasaan atau sistem mulai mengontrol caramu dekat dengan Tuhanmu, di situlah awal mula kau mulai menjauh dariNya.
- Pungkas, a badass friend of mine
Tahun ini Nyepi kelima di Bali dan saya selalu suka suasananya. Meskipun gelap-gelapan dan harus nyetok makanan untuk 24 jam, saya merasa sedang merayakan me time bersama seluruh saudara sepulau. Saya juga nggak masalah bergelap-gelap. Sekalian ngirit listrik. Lagipula, sama dengan semua teman pendatang yang pernah tinggal di sini, kami sangat menunggu-nunggu the greatest gig in the sky: jika langit cerah akan ada banyak bintang bertaburan, seperti beras tumpah di latar hitam.
Setiap tahun umat Hindu Bali melaksanakan Nyepi sebagai hari suci yang juga tahun baru Çaka dengan melakukan catur brata penyepian, yaitu:
Amati Geni: berpantang menyalakan api atau alat elektronik; Amati Karya: menghentikan kerja atau aktivitas fisik dan lebih memusatkan pada kontemplasi diri; Amati Lelanguan: berpantang melakukan kesenangan a…


Ini tempat saya nongkrong di malam hari. Selain kopinya enak dan murah, bukanya juga agak nggak manusiawi. Pukul 7 malam hingga 2 atau 3 pagi. Sungguh sangat akomodatif untuk saya yang susah tidur.

Di sini saya bertemu banyak orang dan belajar banyak pada mereka. Misalnya, si pemilik yang saya kenal dengan nama Pak Gareng, orang Jawa yang memanggul falsafah Jawa tinggi sekali dan sangat sumeléh pada tempatnya. Atau Mas Dytok, pekerja film perfeksionis yang santai membantai hasil iseng-iseng saya bikin skrip. Dan... Bli Ganteng, bapak beranak satu yang sebenarnya biasa saja sampai dia datang habis kondangan dengan masih mengenakan baju adat. Duh, ngeliatnya aja rasanya indung telur saya hampir meledak. 
Tanpa mereka sadar, mereka adalah kawan saya menghadapi diri sendiri. Saat lelah menyapa setelah babak bundas bertempur dengan monster-monster di kepala, mereka rehat saya.
Terima kasih untuk semua pelajarannya. Semoga kalian selalu dalam kasih semesta.