"Fuck!" Say I

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. Jim Morrison. Amidst the excruciating menstrual cramp and hormonal storm that I went through days before, I stumbled upon this cute little girl with one helluva powerhouse pipe. Her rendition of Idina Menzel's Defying Gravity had made my hair standing on ends. And made me looking back of what I've been through. Yeah, it's all about me. Gotta be about me, because this is my page. Right? Right. But seriously, have you ever felt like what life had been thrown at you had made you go against all odds, doing the impossible, and pushed you way further than your limit? Because I have. And I'm living it. I could've never thought that I'd be where I am right now. I was a clumsy klutz. Even when I was little, I was not so little. I was the outcast, the unwanted, the comparable, the disposable. I didn't have anyone that fits the d...

Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing. Edmund Burke Eh, coba ya sekali ini nurut sama saya. Itu paket data bukan mantan terindah, nggak usah disayang-sayang. Tunyuk tombol "play" di YouTube tautan saya di atas dan baca post ini sambil dengerin. Tapi videonya juga bagus kok kalau mau lihat, nggak rugi. Nggak kayak yang itu, yang kamu udah usahain, kamu udah perhatiin, kamu jagain, terus ternyata dia pergi sama yang lain dan kamu ditinggal pas lagi sayang-sayangnya. Janji. Saya nggak sejahat itu. Makanya. Sekaliii aja, nurut sama saya. Ya. Mau ya. Please?    Jadi... Ternyata berkomitmen itu sulit, meskipun komitmen ecek-ecek nggak kredibel semisal OPOD--one post one day--berbahasa Inggris yang sedang saya terapkan pada diri sendiri saat saya menginjakkan kaki di Pulau Sumatera. Sebulan lalu. Meninggalkan separuh nyawa yang melekat pada lima anak-anak kaki empat semua. Mereka dirawat dengan baik oleh peng...

Character created by Marija Tiurina Since my first inception, seven has been my lucky number. I guess. Like, when I was hanging on a thread because of my mother’s immature labor when her water broke with 28-week me inside, in which I had to spend 10 days being radiated in an incubator like a chick. Being fed mashed banana and water by my Granny when I wasn’t even 24-hour. And still having a blast, 30-something years later. And then everything just rolled from there.  As I grow up, my life has been nothing but the episodes of full-blown cardinal sins that start from my ears, to my heart, over my mind, and run their courses through my veins. And as I stranded here with nothing to do but making syllabus an d preparing my next teaching material, I’ll be a good girl and uncover them one by one.  So, forgive me Father for I have sinned…  Character created by  Marija Tiurina The place was Mandala Krida, Jogja (again), where I watched Helloween conc...

Taken from SUN Project . Check it out, they're so cool! And don't forget to support them on Patreon   You call it Absolution while I say it a consequence. Same difference. But let’s agree that it refers to one thing: what goes around comes around. That simple. My Absolution came when I signed the contract yesterday. For a month, I’ll be tied and bound here on the edge of (the so-called) urban civilization, where Alfamart and Indomaret are three-hour drive through sharp turns and rough lanes with the ocean as the roadside attraction. My feet will be planted deep on the place where I could see Bali cow stampeding on my backyard and a bunch of noisy swallows flying high and low on my front yard. Not to mention the cubic, windowless, Soviet-esque buildings that pop out like sore, pixelated thumbs. But those twinkle, twinkle little stars soaring high at night are the done deal. So, how could it be an Absolution when I don't have to suffer, my room is neat and cle...

People come and go, places change, world goes by. And somehow, you’re feeling like you’re standing still. When it feels like you have to make some noise, your call. I’ve known some beautiful souls who could make a big decision in a flick of fingers. They’re old souls whose eyes and beings have tasted pain and losing, take a lesson, and know they’ve got to carry on. Me? My immature, dull, and stubborn core couldn’t take it. I need to feel the pain. I need to experience lost. I need to devour the moment. And it’s always been in Jogja, a place I called Purgatory where everything ends and something begins. Why did you come to Jogja? Vacation? Seeing the modernity overpowering the ancient wisdom localized in the centerfold of the city? Watching the same old story of nobility grinding down its subjects to just surrender their ancestors’ land for the so-called progress or bullshit development? Or tasting the Satan’s liquid that you could bumped into one in every five meters i...

Words adjusted from Serenity Prayer , the strongest mantra I've ever encountered    So, how do you see yourself when you've been forcefully yet consciously uprooted from the "home" you've known for the past five years? It's strange. But you need it the most--eventually--to save yourself from the stupid, monotonous insanity. I've been--just like any other person living and breathing--on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, while staying in another city, in another island. It's an overwhelming package full of new people from the uncharted waters that I've never known existed. Many times that all I could do was just inhale deeply. But it's all fun and games. Somehow.   I pulled myself together and picking up the pieces that I have left in my attempt to emerge from the blinding darkness while trying to taking in so much more. It's been so cold and dark down there, but my furry angels--the ones I thought I've rescued but in th...

“That’s the duty of the old, to be anxious on behalf of the young. And the duty of the young is to scorn the anxiety of the old.” Philip Pullman in The Golden Compass Hari ini Google memperingati kelahiran Georges Perec , seorang novelis, pembuat film, penulis, dll dan jagoan bikin pun yang namanya nggak bakal saya kenal kalau saya nggak iseng baca di Wiki. Untuk mengenang the great, unknown man (dan merayakan procrastinating saya dari 4 file editan yang harus dikirim besok), saya mau nulis soal buku yang baru saya baca. Biar keren aja. Diambil dari  sini   Judul aslinya adalah Northern Lights . Penampakannya bisa dilihat di gambar di atas. Di beberapa negara, buku tersebut disebut The Golden Compass , sebagaimana film bikinan Holywood-nya yang ada Tante Nicole Kidman, Om Daniel Craig dan Mbak Eva Green. Saya mungkin akan cerita sedikit bukunya isinya gimana. Tapi kalau sudah nonton filmnya yang gegap gempita dan cerlang-cemerlang itu, kamu akan kaget bet...

Bunga tembakau. Besok sudah mau panen, lho... Perjalanan adalah perihal petualangan, bukan hanya tujuan. Dua minggu lalu, seperti Jumat ini, adalah Jumat yang biasa di awal Oktober yang juga biasa. Denpasar sedang panas-panasnya, biasa. Ransel gendut 40 liter lebih yang menempel di punggung menjadi semacam tameng dari teriknya matahari saat bermotor sepanjang Tohpati-Ngurah Rai. ITU yang nggak biasa. Iya, ceritanya saya mau jalan-jalan. Jadwalnya sih 3 hari, dari berangkat sampai pulang. Tapi saya bawa perabotan lenong yang sepertinya untuk tinggal sebulan juga nggak kekurangan. Semua dibayarain PT Djarum bareng Jelajah Negeri Tembakau II. Duh, saya tersanjung. Nggak sia-sia selama ini ngeblog. Akhirnya ada yang khilaf nyuruh saya lancong, diempanin, dianter jemput pake bis dingin, dibayarin pulak! Saya merasa kaffah jadi blogger beneran. Ah! Lalu drama dimulai... Tiket Lion Air DPS-LOP yang dikirimkan panitia ke surel saya bilang pesawat saya terjadwal berangkat pukul 16....

Lirikan matamu, Dek... Nyari teman hidup setia, menghibur, lucu, penyayang, menyenangkan, (sedikit) nakal, selalu menunggu kamu pulang dan nggak pernah rese nanya-nanya? Piaralah anjing. - Guweh Bocah perempuan kecil di atas itu bernama Tuhan. Dia ditemukan seorang teman (yang akhirnya jadi godfather-nya) sedang menangis ketakutan pada suatu malam akhir Mei 2014 di dalam gorong-gorong kering di perempatan Sunset Road, Bali. Punggungnya penuh luka, perutnya besar, dan selalu garuk-garuk. Keesokan harinya dia dibawa ke BARC , Ubud, dikasih obat cacing dan anti kutu. Menurut Mbak Dokter di sana, usianya paling antara 6-8 minggu. Masih terlalu kecil untuk bisa bertahan di dunia luar sendirian, untuk mencari atau berebut makanan dengan mahluk-mahluk yang lebih besar, lebih tua, lebih buas, dan lebih berpengalaman. Beberapa jam setelahnya saya nggak nyangka tubuh sekecil itu bisa menjadi inang untuk sesuatu yang menggeliat-geliat keluar dari feses. Ugh! Belajar menggambar bers...