Day 2 - A B S O L U T I O N

Taken from SUN Project. Check it out, they're so cool! And don't forget to support them on Patreon 

You call it Absolution while I say it a consequence. Same difference. But let’s agree that it refers to one thing: what goes around comes around. That simple.

My Absolution came when I signed the contract yesterday. For a month, I’ll be tied and bound here on the edge of (the so-called) urban civilization, where Alfamart and Indomaret are three-hour drive through sharp turns and rough lanes with the ocean as the roadside attraction. My feet will be planted deep on the place where I could see Bali cow stampeding on my backyard and a bunch of noisy swallows flying high and low on my front yard. Not to mention the cubic, windowless, Soviet-esque buildings that pop out like sore, pixelated thumbs. But those twinkle, twinkle little stars soaring high at night are the done deal.

So, how could it be an Absolution when I don't have to suffer, my room is neat and clean, my basic needs met, got fed three times a day—right on time—and respect is easily earned without proving anything by the automatic nod and acknowledgement in smiley “Bu…” despite my bizarre hair color and weird cut? Fuck, I even have my own hot and cold water dispenser without worrying about the bill! A luxury, compare to my bare room back in Bali—or literally anywhere!

But let me put it this way: have you ever felt that you’ve got so much freedom on your hand you become abusive to everyone around you?

In my term, the freedom is in my verbal/written expression. I didn’t even flinch saying, “fuck it,” or “asshole” in front of a toddler. For my whole life, I believe that the children have heard and knew so much more than we’re afraid of. I believe in no censorship but the ones we enforced to ourselves, that includes saying bad words and handing stuff over with your left hand. I believe that even children could know what’s right from wrong from their own, built-in moral compass. It’s Humanism 101 at such young age. I believe in human adaptation. I believe in evolution of thinking. And I do have the freedom to believe what I want to believe.

Fast-forward to yesterday, what I believed in have to be restrained within my own perception, because now I have to live by the rule of a school where my room at, where I'd be teaching those young, pure minds of kids living in a massive plantation complex the lesson their teacher couldn’t. No pressure, they said. Those kids will be leaving for their scholarship abroad next month, they said. I even have to wear batik top! Oh, the horror!

So, here I am, repeating for the 928,374,636th times inside my head, saying, “fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.”

Until I met those kids in person.

They’re so young and still wet behind the ears. 18 and just graduated from Senior High and they thought that one problem solved, that they felt relieved because they don’t have to worry about homework and peer pressure anymore. I wished I could look into their eyes and saying, “you know nothing, kiddo.” I wished I could tweak their mindset that work hard will get you good grades only but work smart will get you anything you want. But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t.

My other Absolution is that I shouldn’t take anything personally. I shouldn’t be too hard on them as I was with myself. I need to go with the flow. THEIR flow, and stick by the rules.

Oh, well. Baby steps, though. As for them as it is for me. Let the Kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Amen.