Day 5 - Defying Gravity

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Jim Morrison.

Amidst the excruciating menstrual cramp and hormonal storm that I went through days before, I stumbled upon this cute little girl with one helluva powerhouse pipe. Her rendition of Idina Menzel's Defying Gravity had made my hair standing on ends. And made me looking back of what I've been through.

Yeah, it's all about me. Gotta be about me, because this is my page. Right? Right.

But seriously, have you ever felt like what life had been thrown at you had made you go against all odds, doing the impossible, and pushed you way further than your limit? Because I have. And I'm living it.

I could've never thought that I'd be where I am right now. I was a clumsy klutz. Even when I was little, I was not so little. I was the outcast, the unwanted, the comparable, the disposable. I didn't have anyone that fits the description of friends, anything above or below my peer. And the rejection, the badmouthing, the jeers and laughter directed at me, and the whole big package of bullying... Well, it's been 20 years and counting that I've been strong enough to stand tall for myself. But sometimes the memories came running back faster than the speed of light, like an avalanche that rolled me down in it. It was beyond my power to change myself to be accepted back then. I couldn't muster enough courage to ask why and being alone was very depressing that sometimes I lost myself to anyone who would give me a sense of company. So, I made friends with books.

There were times when the sun shine so bright  and the weather was nice, yet I let myself stuck with pages after pages in a closed room, just me and the only friend I've got. The only rebellious gesture I've made was sneaking up from the Children section into the Adult one in a public library, in the small corner of an area in South Jakarta. Because I've read all the books, and I craved for more.

But why books? Why not TV or video games or anything?

Because we're not a rich family. We couldn't afford even a fancy TV, let alone video game. And there was this strict rule on watching TV. Even on weekends, I could only enjoy any show IF my domestic chores were completed. Or only 1-2 hours daily. And even books, I only got the secondhand. If I really wanted a book, then I have to save from the very little money I've got.

The bond between books and I are the longest and the strongest relationship I've got. Books don't get jealous, they don't shove their terms and condition down your throat and make you choke, they're not demanding, and never backstab me. And most of all, they're honest.

There were times that I've got fed up by books and all of the readers, when everybody's bragging about the books they've read and looked down to the pariahs who had to wait their turns to borrow those unaffordable babies. But books don't complain. They're also the safest way to travel anywhere in the world without having to move an inch from where you sit. They take you from the highest mountain to the deepest ocean. From the seen to the unseen. From the glitters to the glooms. Books give you wings to fly.

But as any relationship human ever made to anyone or anything, my journey with the books was not without the ups and downs. They're sometimes go against each other (ever compare what's written in your Holy Books with the ones in Science or History?). What I've known before from different sources was sometimes being challenged by the book in my hand at that time. But again, they never try to be self righteous. They never try too hard to convince you. Because the choice is yours and yours alone. They provide informations, we process it, denying/accepting it, and drawing the conclusion from it while battling with ourselves about the truth (and what is truth, anyway?). They don't care if we're on the right path or not. They're THAT cold.
       
And the struggle is real when I'm trying to let go of the obsolete knowledge with the new thesis/anti-thesis I've drawn. It's like stepping into a pool in which you know nothing about the depth and you can't swim. Like diving 3,0000 feet from a plane without a parachute. You don't know what's going to stop you from plummeting to death. It feels like challenging the law of Physics, to give a little nudge to the reality, that the thing that you know always there, always work, and you're forcefully (and willingly) denying it. But, hey! Trust your instinct, close your eyes, and leap!
 
But there's more to it.

From a big, klutz kid with squeaky voice back then who was petrified every time she's been called to the front of the class, I couldn't imagine that years later being the only one standing with a whiteboard behind my back, talking to a dozen children with peeling eyes, hanging on to every word I said, telling them about the things that gave me wings to fly. I don't want to fly solo, so I reach out my hands to those with their feet planted solid on the ground, that it's alright to soar high, that the pain and the struggle that they're going to get through will be paid off with the fantastic view from high above. That change is not made without people doing different things, thinking without the boundaries and limitation that the society--and even themselves--put upon them.

And yes, countless of times that these best friends of mine knocked me down, making me fell hard with my face flat on the ground. I bled, I hurt, wounded, and scarred, while some are still open, fresh and raw. But I'm too stubborn to quit. I have to get back again and leap. Because that's how being alive is all about. That's how I seek what I'm here for, finding the meaning of my time why this cosmic accident slammed me down hard on Earth while not just wasting its previous oxygen and left useless carbon footprint along the way. To spread this virus of the minds, to be alive. And from the X where I'm about to leap, being alive is much more addictive than any substance in the world.   

I've cried alone in my room sometimes, replaying the scenes in my mind where kids with wonders and excitement on their faces hanging on to every word I said that almost always ended with a question mark. I can't be a good teacher because I always challenge their established knowledge. I can't teach what to believe, but I'd be more than happy to teach them how to be curious, how to question everything, how to push the pause button in your mind and retrace the steps to scrutinise what's been missing. Because with every breath I take, I'm always a student, I'm always learning.             

I stop gravitating to the things that bound me to Earth. I can always visit them anytime once I spread my wings and fly. It's time to try defying gravity as someone told me lately, "Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"


Dedicated to Febri, Aqilas, Jimi, and Teguh, the first witch and wizards of Tenera, scholarship students of Dayeh University. YOUR time to try defying gravity!