"Fuck!" Say I

Nduk, Mari kuceritakan kembali bagaimana ngelangutnya perjalanan lewat tengah malam di sepanjang trotoar pada selarik sudut Jogja hanya untuk mencari lelah. Waktu itu terlalu banyak monster di dalam kepala, berteriak bersahut-sahutan tak ada yang ingin mengalah. Perlu waktu dua jam menyeret-nyeret kaki pada tubuh yang terjaga lebih dari tiga hari. Terlalu banyak yang harus dilakukan dalam setiap langkah. Meletakkan mata di belakang kepala hanya karena kau perempuan. Mendiamkan resah yang lasak di sudut benak. Menghitung butiran aspal dan kecoak yang melintas dan terinjak. Bergegas karena di kelokan depan seringkali satpam baik yang sedang patroli (dan sangat ingin kau hindari) akan menegurmu dan mengajakmu ngobrol di posnya lalu akan membuatkanmu kopi dan kau seperti harus menjawab semua pertanyaan-pertanyaan polosnya tentang mengapa ada perempuan yang bisa tidak tidur berhari-hari kemudian tujuanmu menyeret-nyeret langkah buyar sudah karena kopi, rokok, dan obrolan hangat tak...

Hello again, you. The one that creeps silently from the deepest pitch-black pit of this decaying world. I thought I'll never see you again. But I was wrong. Like many things that people called coincidence, you came unnoticed. The slightest brush of the tip of your fingers to my temple has turned the red into black, the light blue to dark, and wherever I laid my eyes on to, everything seemed gray and bleak and doomed. You've been my very patient friend. Unwanted, yet patient. You wait from a safe distance, observing, obediently making mental notes, scheming the what ifs and should'ves, and when the time comes, putting them all together--with the slightest brush of the tip of your fingers to my temple--in a mixture of hurt and longing, materilalizing into one single pain that keeps pulsating and growing and spreading, speeding through all of my veins, faster than the bullet, ricocheting into my brain.    Hello again, you. The one whose kiss sucks the living shi...

... dan Tuhan, dengan bahasa apapun namaNya kau sebut, akan selalu Maha Mendengar... It is amidst a neckbreaking deadline that I'm writing this, putting the right pieces of puzzles in my mind that have your scent and your warmth, of how close your heartbeat to my pressed ears on your bare chest, of how smooth my fingers ran on your slightly damp skin, the slow breathing when we drifted to sleep, and how perfect it felt to have my arm around you in the middle of rumpled bed sheets. And somehow I remember God, the so-called omnipotent being that makes shit happened. I want to believe again, desperately trying to find the object to give my gratitude to, to have a reason to feel blessed. To have something to hold on to that makes me feel special among 7.6 billion of people in the world (as per May 2018).  But that would be lying. I want to repeatedly whisper HALLELUJAH when our eyes meet, when our mouths are searching for each other, when our skin are craving for the touch....

Sehari lagi, Pit. Tahan sehari lagi. I was in that place again, where everything was bleak and dark and the ground under my feet was shifting and all I could feel was confusion and anger and sadness and they're all squeezing me tight to the point that I threw up. No, it wasn't depression. It's just a path that leads to it. Where I am today is the place that I've chosen with my common sense, voluntarily, under no influence in whatsoever. It's a much too quiet place where at nights you could only hear crickets or the loud, bugle sound of cranes flying by. But there are things bothering me, things beyond my control, things from outside my world where I'm sitting and typing this, things that affect my brain, things that get me finished a litre of maturely fermented tuak under ten minutes, things that make me sob quietly, uncontrollably, while listening to that song on loop for hours, alone, the things that not even a "sabar ya..." could help...

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. Jim Morrison. Amidst the excruciating menstrual cramp and hormonal storm that I went through days before, I stumbled upon this cute little girl with one helluva powerhouse pipe. Her rendition of Idina Menzel's Defying Gravity had made my hair standing on ends. And made me looking back of what I've been through. Yeah, it's all about me. Gotta be about me, because this is my page. Right? Right. But seriously, have you ever felt like what life had been thrown at you had made you go against all odds, doing the impossible, and pushed you way further than your limit? Because I have. And I'm living it. I could've never thought that I'd be where I am right now. I was a clumsy klutz. Even when I was little, I was not so little. I was the outcast, the unwanted, the comparable, the disposable. I didn't have anyone that fits the d...

Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing. Edmund Burke Eh, coba ya sekali ini nurut sama saya. Itu paket data bukan mantan terindah, nggak usah disayang-sayang. Tunyuk tombol "play" di YouTube tautan saya di atas dan baca post ini sambil dengerin. Tapi videonya juga bagus kok kalau mau lihat, nggak rugi. Nggak kayak yang itu, yang kamu udah usahain, kamu udah perhatiin, kamu jagain, terus ternyata dia pergi sama yang lain dan kamu ditinggal pas lagi sayang-sayangnya. Janji. Saya nggak sejahat itu. Makanya. Sekaliii aja, nurut sama saya. Ya. Mau ya. Please?    Jadi... Ternyata berkomitmen itu sulit, meskipun komitmen ecek-ecek nggak kredibel semisal OPOD--one post one day--berbahasa Inggris yang sedang saya terapkan pada diri sendiri saat saya menginjakkan kaki di Pulau Sumatera. Sebulan lalu. Meninggalkan separuh nyawa yang melekat pada lima anak-anak kaki empat semua. Mereka dirawat dengan baik oleh peng...

Character created by Marija Tiurina Since my first inception, seven has been my lucky number. I guess. Like, when I was hanging on a thread because of my mother’s immature labor when her water broke with 28-week me inside, in which I had to spend 10 days being radiated in an incubator like a chick. Being fed mashed banana and water by my Granny when I wasn’t even 24-hour. And still having a blast, 30-something years later. And then everything just rolled from there.  As I grow up, my life has been nothing but the episodes of full-blown cardinal sins that start from my ears, to my heart, over my mind, and run their courses through my veins. And as I stranded here with nothing to do but making syllabus an d preparing my next teaching material, I’ll be a good girl and uncover them one by one.  So, forgive me Father for I have sinned…  Character created by  Marija Tiurina The place was Mandala Krida, Jogja (again), where I watched Helloween conc...

Taken from SUN Project . Check it out, they're so cool! And don't forget to support them on Patreon   You call it Absolution while I say it a consequence. Same difference. But let’s agree that it refers to one thing: what goes around comes around. That simple. My Absolution came when I signed the contract yesterday. For a month, I’ll be tied and bound here on the edge of (the so-called) urban civilization, where Alfamart and Indomaret are three-hour drive through sharp turns and rough lanes with the ocean as the roadside attraction. My feet will be planted deep on the place where I could see Bali cow stampeding on my backyard and a bunch of noisy swallows flying high and low on my front yard. Not to mention the cubic, windowless, Soviet-esque buildings that pop out like sore, pixelated thumbs. But those twinkle, twinkle little stars soaring high at night are the done deal. So, how could it be an Absolution when I don't have to suffer, my room is neat and cle...

People come and go, places change, world goes by. And somehow, you’re feeling like you’re standing still. When it feels like you have to make some noise, your call. I’ve known some beautiful souls who could make a big decision in a flick of fingers. They’re old souls whose eyes and beings have tasted pain and losing, take a lesson, and know they’ve got to carry on. Me? My immature, dull, and stubborn core couldn’t take it. I need to feel the pain. I need to experience lost. I need to devour the moment. And it’s always been in Jogja, a place I called Purgatory where everything ends and something begins. Why did you come to Jogja? Vacation? Seeing the modernity overpowering the ancient wisdom localized in the centerfold of the city? Watching the same old story of nobility grinding down its subjects to just surrender their ancestors’ land for the so-called progress or bullshit development? Or tasting the Satan’s liquid that you could bumped into one in every five meters i...

Words adjusted from Serenity Prayer , the strongest mantra I've ever encountered    So, how do you see yourself when you've been forcefully yet consciously uprooted from the "home" you've known for the past five years? It's strange. But you need it the most--eventually--to save yourself from the stupid, monotonous insanity. I've been--just like any other person living and breathing--on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, while staying in another city, in another island. It's an overwhelming package full of new people from the uncharted waters that I've never known existed. Many times that all I could do was just inhale deeply. But it's all fun and games. Somehow.   I pulled myself together and picking up the pieces that I have left in my attempt to emerge from the blinding darkness while trying to taking in so much more. It's been so cold and dark down there, but my furry angels--the ones I thought I've rescued but in th...