"Fuck!" Say I

Dalam waktu 24 jam ini gwa ada di tempat baru demi kepraktisan cari duit: ngekos deket kantor. Yah... biar gak kemaleman terus dan tua di jalan lah. Lagipula I need a private place, my own world seperti waktu dulu gwa di kota tercinta sana, despite harga sewanya disini yang sebulan sama dengan setengah tahun disana. Kamarnya lumayan sih. Bersih, karena sebelum gwa tempatin ibu kos yang baik itu udah beberes dan rapih-rapih semuanya. Tapi, seperti biasa, kamar gwa sepi hiburan elektronik. Lo gak bakal nemuin radio atau TV disana karena emang belum kebeli. Jadi, dengan semena-mena, gwa bawa aja notebook kantor. Alasannya buat kerjain laporan bulanan. Tapi semua juga udah pada tau kalo tu notebook ujung-ujungnya cuma buat ngetik-ngetik ga jelas atau maen game dodol bikinan Game House. Cuwek lah. As long as I feel comfy, ditemenin suara Om Bono, Uncle Sting dan Paman LaBrie sambil memandangi poto Si Maz yang gwa pajang jadi wallpaper. Well, then. This is my 'once upon a time'. I h...

Love hurts, Baby. And so does loneliness. And worry. And rage. But sometimes you need the pain to wash away your existence into very tiny pieces and then build your foundation of self-respect even greater than before. Shit happens sometimes, not to be avoided but to be faced with head held high. Keep your nose above the water. Stand tall and proud against the wind. Keep your feet on the solid ground once at a time and don't fly too high. The fall will be greater then. Be what you want to be, but remember the ones who dear you the most. Stop sniffing around and smell yourself. Hold unto what you believe, with mind, heart and loyalty. Never cries over spoilt milk, but take the chance to make something better from it. Keep the smile on your face and believe that everything's gonna be just fine in the end. Be patience when things don't go your way. Sometimes you have to take three steps backward before moving four steps forward. Clean the mess you've made and take very much...

All things are matters. But nothing's matter to believe the unseen. It's just the frame of thought that needs to reconstruct. Dan gwa belajar ngerti all visible and invisible matters from The Yogi. It takes almost 3 years to find out what the matter is. And too much 'matter' will kill you for sure. Haha! Setelah introduction yang dulu itu, baru sekarang gwa bisa mengutilisasi penuh keberadaan gwa di muka bumi untuk orang lain. Itupun karena 'tiket masuk'nya amat sangat terjangkaunya buat gwa. Yang biasanya 350 ribu, sekarang cuma 25,000. Itupun udah dengan bergelas-gelas air mineral dan paket Hoka-hoka Bento. (Apaan sih?!) Well, I'm talkin' about unlimitedly great healing energy that nature provides for all creatures, called Reiki . Akibat sering ngerepotin minta di-Reiki sama The Yogi dan Phoenix Brother No. 2 (yang-namanya-tidak-boleh-disebut), gwa tertarik ikut juga demi kultivasi diri dan jiwa ke arah yang lebih baik *insert 'Bangun Pemuda-Pemud...

Beberapa hari ini dunia rasanya indah sekali. Mau ngapain aja bisa. Nggak ada yang namanya bad mood atau kesel. Kemaren digodain om-om iseng aja gwa bisa kalahin baik-baik dengan telak dan tenangnya, tanpa bawa-bawa man's best friend sebagai umpatan. Berkali-kali diomongin nggak enak ama orang, gwa santai. Diisengin adek, gwa nyengir. Kena macet, gwa asik SMS-an sama Mi Caro. Xixixi... Yah... maaf beribu maaf ya. I really don't know if what we feel is love already. Gwa cuma nyaman ngobrol ama elu. Tiap SMS yang dateng dari elu rasanya bener-bener anugrah. Apapun isinya, selalu bisa bikin gwa nyengir dan berbunga-bunga. Berasa kayak anak SMP lagi naksir-naksiran gitu. Cuma, yang sekarang agak lebih dewasa. Gwa-nya. Nggak tau deh Mi Caro. Tapi yang lebih hebat lagi adalah gwa jadi amat sangat produktif. Sehari minimal sekali posting, biarpun cuma beberapa kalimat singkat (biar OmBu sibuk ngomentarinnya. Haha!). Rasanya terlalu banyak hal bagus yang sayang terlewatkan kalo nggak ...

I'm picking up the pieces of what makes a package package. I step on a thorn, stumble, and bleed in the process. ...tapi duhai, sesaknya dada saat isi paket yang tercecer adalah aku. [good nite, sweet dream. hold her close. make some babies. i dun care.] someone said, if u love him, DO it. but i said, if i love him, i DO him.

Nemu di flickr-nya temen, ni. Maabh ya, Maz. Dan jangan GR dulu. Abis... Lucu aja. Matamu kayak mata Ariel vokalisnya Peter Pan. Gak tau kenapa, pas pertama kali liat Ariel hasrat kebinatangan gwa bergolak dahsyat * huahuahuahuahuhua!!! bahasanyaaaaa!!! *. He was soooooooooo sexy! Especially those eyes... Yeah, Baby! Peduli setan dia bisa nyanyi apa nggak. Tak mlumah ae, wes! * anjriiiiitz! masa ovulasi tinggi! basa gwa kacobalo ginih! * Ooz , Ucik dan 844 Graduates pasti tau maksud gwa apa * winks * But, honestly. Gwa suka mata model gini, siapapun pemiliknya. Apalagi kalo cowok cakeup. Eheum... Nah, model mata di sebelah kanan itu (sorry gambarnya kecil. gambar asli juga kecil soale) gwa juga suka. Ditusuk pakek lidi, dibakar ampe kering, trus dikecapin. Haha! * slurps! * Gwa suka kalo cowok ngeliatin gwa dengan pandangan seperti itu. Artinya bisa macem-macem. Mungkin ngajak ribut, atau mungkin 'ngajak ribut'. Ihik... Biasanya mata itu gwa pandangin lagi, maen lama-lamaan ng...

The rest are ordinaries--or too overwhelming to remember...

Hi, Nduk! Waktu ngetik surat ini rumahku sedang mendengkur halus. Dadanya naik turun dengan lembut. Semua kamar dan ruangan gelap, hanya teras dan dapur yang terang benderang. Aku berada di salah satunya, berkawan segelas kopi dan rokok serta ingatan samar tentang lelaki yang bayangannya menjajah hingga sepersekian nano pelosok otak terdalamku. Sementara sekeliling sedang nyenyak dirundung malam, aku terpekur dengan rindu yang lengas. Rindu Si Mas, rindu kamu, karena aku tau kita sedang berada dalam kondisi (hampir) sama: (almost) need a slightest existence of the opposite sex. (Bahkan aku perlu banyak tanda kurung untuk mengingkarinya. This is the closest thing to my core, Baby.) Aku kangen obrolan kita di tengah kepulan asap rokok dan bercangkir-cangkir kopi yang pahitnya bisa bikin orang jantungan mati mendadak. Aku kangen sarkas-sarkas kita si Jomblo-Jomblo Bangsat--atau yang bisa kamu sebut Jojoba dengan sangat riang--tentang betapa bodohnya lelaki. Betapa kapasitas otak mereka ya...

...but there is nothing more pleasant than hearing any news from you. Even bad ones. ps: dreaming is one thing i'm good at. to make it come true is something else.

Kemarin Emak the Boss ngomel-ngomel karena gwa dateng belakangan dibanding dia. "Kamu tu harusnya dateng jam setengah sembilan paling telat, soalnya kamu harus monitoring sensitive case di media dan laporkan ke klien sebelum jam 9. Awas! Besok dateng pagi ya!" Suaranya tajam, melengking. Berasa nusuk-nusuk gendang telinga gwa. Laen banget rasanya dibanding waktu beliau 'brainwash' gwa seminggu lalu. So... I woke at half to six (which was very rare since I used to wake at half to eight), took a shower in the cold of after-rain morning (which I avoided the most), rode a motorcycle with Babab in front, crossing knee-high flood, waiting and sitting in the AC-less bus... to be stuck in the trafficked freeway, along with many other fellow passengers FOR TWO WHOLE DAMN HOURS!!! And still, I popped up at the office at 10--my usual time. Thanks God Emak was out for a meeting, and I was sulking and silent most of the times. But... I managed to wake 'Si Maz' and didn...

...................................................................................................... ... and the grass is always greener on the other side of the yard... [how I bleed, ached and died on the picture of you and Mrs. You!]

...to be whatever I am. ...to accept things I can't change. ...to be grateful for the bless and grace. ...to see the clouds by their silver linings. ...to smile broadly when my life narrowed. ...to give my left cheek when my right is slapped. ...to bow down before the Almighty One and confess. ...to give without even bother the return. ...to calm when the anger reaches the top of my head. ...to give Providence a chance without mind's involvement. ...to go against the current of nowaday's evil. ...to forgive and forget and nothing in between and after. ...to fight the demon within. ...to lost the lust and passion of somebody's lot. ...to love other unconditionally without thinking of the rebound. ...to cry shamelessly over the lost pride. ...to enjoy the matter solve itself naturally. ...to cheers the birth of everyday's life... ...and to learn all the above. Grant me wisdon, knowledge and patience to know and achieve the ultimate tranquility, Han. Need You so much b...