"Fuck!" Say I

Because nobody rules over my thoughts. Live with it.

Sekadar Pengingat

Posted by The Bitch on 4/26/2013 05:02:00 AM

Penyair adalah mahluk aneh yang bisa mengubah kopi, rokok, malam dan hujan menjadi larik-larik puisi.

Saya bukan penyair. Penulis pun bukan. Malu rasanya mau ngaku-ngaku penulis tapi nggak pernah ada satupun karya yang naik cetak. Kan nggak proven and tested jadinya. Nggak kayak temen saya Elia Bintang yang diam-diam sudah bikin 3 novel. Iya, TI! GA! Tapi saya pengen bisa nulis kayak dia, konsisten dan punya napas panjang, telaten ngetik dan baca, dan sabar menjalani proses dari awal hingga selesai.

Tapi gini deh, tak kasih ilustrasi: bagaimana rasanya kehabisan bensin di tengah jalan yang tepian kanan-kirinya cuma sawah dan purnama dini hari telah tergelincir turun menunggu aplusan dengan matahari? Buat yang suka parno sama benda-benda tak kasat mata sih pasti bakal bete. Saya? Ya paling minggir, nyalain rokok, poto-poto jika baterai di kamera ber-hp (eh, kebalik ya?) masih cukup atau kebetulan bawa powerbank sambil nunggu pagi dan nunggu orang baik lewat untuk membelikan saya bensin di pinggir jalan yang biasanya botolnya ada tulisan ABSOLUT VODKA-nya.

Tapi bagaimana jika kamu kehabisan bensin ketika jalan hidupmu masih panjang dan satu-satunya orang yang bisa kamu mintakan pertolongan hanya dirimu sendiri?

Bangsatnya, itu yang saya alami sekarang. Saya seperti habis ide di Bali. Bukan, bukan berarti saya lungkrah kelelahan. Justru sebaliknya. Keadaan terlalu nyaman dan damai membuat "api" saya hampir mati. Padahal "bensin" saya adalah amarah. Well, setidaknya itu yang dibilang salah satu empu yang dulu ilmunya sering saya curi di pojokan Jakarta Selatan tempat saya biasa begadang ngembat koneksi hotspot. "Kamu itu cuma punya dua emosi: senang dan marah. Kalau marah, baru kamu hidup," ujar beliau suatu malam sambil berlalu ke pantry.

Saya nggak mengiyakan, tapi nggak juga menidakkan. Sebenarnya ucapan itu bisa saja benar dan bisa juga salah. Saya nggak suka ada orang sotoy kayak gitu, tapi ya apesnya orang itu memang guru saya. Dan sepengalaman saya, dia selalu melihat yang tersirat di balik yang tersurat, khas orang-orang tua pada umumnya yang keluberan pelajaran. Terus saya mau bilang apa dong?!

Sepertinya satu hal dari orang-orang tua yang celahnya belum bisa saya dapatkan adalah bagaimana mencermati semua hal yang mengalir di depan mata sambil menikmatinya dan memasukkannya ke dalam database pengalaman untuk bisa membuat anak-anak (sok) muda nan belagu seperti saya merasa diskakmat sampai nggak bisa berkutik dengan ucapan semacam itu. Tapi ternyata saya bukan satu-satunya yang kepaten geni ketika berada dalam kondisi terlalu aman-damai-nyaman-sentosa. Kemarin satu lagi pengakuan dari Kangmas Ayah Guru yang kebetulan bertandang ke Sanur. Dia yang karena desain nakal-dan-pasti-subversif-nya akhirnya bisa bekerja di Bali hanya sanggup bertahan tiga bulan karena ya... kehabisan bensin itu tadi. Saya nggak tahu pasti bagaimana nasib project-nya itu. Kayaknya sih dia kembali ke habitatnya, ngurusin anak dan istrinya main-main di kebun belakang menyelamatkan generasi muda bangsa Indonesia jika tiba saatnya para eyang menonton shitnetron dan ngotot ngajak cucu.  

Tapi saya juga nggak mau dikendalikan kondisi. Sebagaimana Kangmas Ayah Guru itu ngeles dari cengkraman ortu dan mertua tukang cekok shitnetron ke cucu, saya juga harus pintar ngeles dong. Saya yang harus mengendalikan. Saya kan control freak getoloh. Jadi, sepertinya saya harus putar mindset lagi nih, kayak vokalisnya Weezer yang tetap bisa bikin karya tanpa harus dikendalikan mood.

Yuk, yuk!

Tapi, mari kita tidur dulu. Selamat full moon. Sering-seringlah lihat ke langit kalau jalan-jalan malam di Bali. Bintangnya BUWANYAK!

Hihi.  



    

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Time Stands Still

Posted by The Bitch on 4/04/2013 11:52:00 AM

Picture taken from here.

Real generosity towards the future lies in giving all to the present.
Albert Camus.


So, what are we?

Sleeping mates. What else?

You sure?

Yes.

Great. You answer my needs, then.

Glad to hear that.

But do you need me as I need you?

I don't know.

Why?

Well... I don't need people that much. I am self-provided.

Seriously?

Yes.

But why did you say yes?

I don't know. Maybe I'm just lonely.

Same here.

It takes one to know one, you see.

But...

Hey, it's okay. I take you as a gift.

Why?

Because first, it's fun to be with someone who knows and accepts me for who I am. Second, it's great to have a hug or two by a friend. Third, well... because you listen. 

That's it?

Yes.

So where's the "gift" part of me, then?

Let me put it this way: have you ever been to the point where you don't need anything anymore? When you feel enough and happy as a clam?

Yes. And?

And somehow, out of the blue, there's someone offers you something that you once knew but lost, something you remembered well and started to fade, and you didn't know that you long for it until the chance to taste again that "forbidden fruit" called memory appears before your very eyes.
     
So I'd be that "someone", then.

Bingo!

So?

So what?

No strings attached?

No strings attached.

But we're friends, right?

Of course!

And I am free to fool around with other girls.

My pleasure.

And I could get back to you anytime I want?

It depends.

On what?

On whether or not it's still fun. 

That was your heart saying.

Nothing that I do without my heart involved.

But that's so girly. I didn't know you do that.

Well, it is to balance my rational thought. I have to think like a girl sometimes so people don't forget that I'm a girl.

Haha. 

If you're standing in my shoes, there won't be "haha" in them.

Sorry.

That's okay. 

But I don't want to hurt you.

No, you won't. I won't let you. And even if I'm hurt, that's my problem. Not yours.

Haha. Can people really do that?

Well, in my case, it works. All the time. 

Now tell me. What were you doing back then?

Dunno. Breaking my own boundaries, perhaps.

But why?

Well... perhaps to grind down my own egoistic self? Dunno. I really don't know.

But I'm in love with other girl.

That's okay. Go for her.

Are you gonna be all right?

Why shouldn't I? What comes must go. And what goes must have been replaced eventually. It applies to anything, and present included. 

And what are we doing now?

Ummm... enjoying my present, perhaps? Hihi.

Haha. You're weird. I like that.

Like I said. It takes one to know one.



And there they are, two lost souls, roaming the time called life deep in their thoughts, walking side by side but never a slightest touch, afraid of the wound that may caused, and hope that again, lost.          



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