Because nobody rules over my thoughts. Live with it.
Posted by The Bitch on 7/26/2005 04:53:00 AMI was writing this to shout at him, to let him know that I was tired of seeing him down, so low he pressed his head to the ground. I've been working my ass off just to have some understanding from this dark creature only because I cared so much of him. He'd done many times better for me in this spec. So, why can't I?
Life is a waste if you can't live it to the fullest: in love, learn and achievement. He had his love, allright (though maybe it's not the kind of love that he had in mind) and he didn't bother much about it. He had--perhaps--had his way on achieving something. But learn? You can't stop right there to the spot in learning. It never ends. I knew that he had learned all the things he needed, technically of speaking, but it's never enough. Because life goes on and on and on and never stop till you die, which is when is a mystery.
He had his family, friends and community and they had some hopes--or should I say demands?--especially his closest surroundings: home. The last thing he always remembered when he had to got back home on Christmas was his father (the only parent he got left) saying: "I just want to be there and see your graduation ceremony, Sonny." Too late, it never happened...
Few days after I left him with his thought of--hopefully--resolution, I heard the news, the thing that had never crossed my mind nor his: The Father had passed away. I heard sorrow in his voice. So, be it. It was God's will. You can't turned back the time. No matter how deep your misery, it won't bring him back to life.
I gave him and his family my deepest condolence, but this thing was keep on banging on my deepest, darkest door in the botommost part of my heart. Was it a crime to feel an itsy-bitsy, tiny-weeny feeling of a covert relief? It's not that I was--nor I am--happy with it, but I just want this moment to whip him, to make him move and act, to have him awaken and aware of his goals, achievements, work.
... and I have to do the same with myself also ...
[Hurt me! Empower me! Force me! And you can't do nothing but wounding, yelling and pushing coz the choice is mine. Darn!]